So a new post was requested and I'm not really sure what I have to say. The last couple weeks have kind of been a blur of action and nonaction. Going from here to there and doing the same thing in an endless cycle. But then again, everything has been done with a different filter over the lens. Everytime I look at something, talk to someone, experience something...I wonder, "is this the last time?"
In four short days I will be leaving Guiyang. Though I don't plan on my goodbye to this beautiful city to be permanent, I have no idea what the future holds. I want more than anything to return here, even if its just for a visit. But still, the ever present thought of goodbye is really starting to wear me down. I walk down the hallways at school and half of my students get this little pouty face and just start saying "no" and a new wave of sadness washes over me.
I know everyone keeps saying "those kids love you. you've changed their lives" but all those people are wrong (well, maybe not wrong, but that's not the full story). I love those kids. THEY have changed MY life. Everything about this experience has made me a better person and now I am about to leave and I worry that everything will change. This person who I have become, who I love, will she go away when I leave? Over time, the memories will start to fade, the colors will all blur together, I'll forget my students names, what bus routes I rode regularly. I'll forget the silly songs I sing (I can only hope I forget some of them!) and I'll forget which doors creak, which doors don't stay closed unless locked. I'll start flushing my toilet paper again and using forks.
All of these things are going to change because of one word. "Goodbye" Its something we say all the time but rarely think about what it really means. And there is always the cliche, "It's not goodbye, it's see you later" but this time it really is a goodbye. Why is it that we only think about the truth of goodbye when it really is forever. When we have to say goodbye to someone who has passed away or is moving away. When people simply vanish from our lives it changes us.
And now I'm facing the most difficult goodbye I have ever faced. Sure goodbyes at deaths are pretty difficult, but there is always the thought and hope that that person is no longer suffering and in a better place. You aren't facing a goodbye in which you fear that person will continue on in life and eventually forget about you. The goodbye I must say to my students stings deep. I can't even really make comprehensible sentences right now because I just don't wan to think about it anymore. But it is now unavoidable.
None of this probably makes any sense. I probably shouldn't post this, but I will. The is the best I've been able to do so far at explaining how I feel about it. So yeah. In summary, goodbyes suck.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Explorations and Explanations
So two weekends ago I went to Nanjing. Yes, I have been so terrible about writing in my blog on a consistent basis if it takes this long, but whatever. All things take their due time to process in my mind and I am still trying to process all of what happened in Nanjing. And I guess I need to explain a few things as well.
There were a couple mixups here in Guiyang regarding what day we were going to finish teaching. Our original end date was June 14th...which would be the end of this week. When that was the case, Amber and I were going to travel around China a bit before heading down south to Vietnam. One of our stops was going to be Nanjing where we have a couple friends and I'll be living and teaching next school year. Well it turns out, we were supposed to be finished teaching in Guiyang until JULY 14th, which put quite a hamper in many of our plans. But a happy medium was reached and I'll be teaching in Guiyang until June 30th now. Amber and I canceled our travels in China (I mean, I'll have plenty of time for that next year anyway) but I still needed to find my way out to Nanjing to get my contract and finalize everything. So I just picked the following weekend and went. There is explanation part one.
Now on to the explorations. I was super excited to go to Nanjing. I would get to explore my new home even if it was only for a couple days and I would get to see a few friends (yay!) and I mean how is that anything but exciting. Well let me tell you how nerve racking it can be traveling in China by yourself for the first time. Actually, it wasn't nearly as bad as I feared it could be. By now I am used to taxi drivers going the wrong way on purpose and jacking up my bill, I've been in and out of the Guiyang airport enough times to be comfortable. But arriving in Nanjing was just a little...scary? I don't know. It was pretty late when I got in and it was raining. But I had no problem getting a taxi and he knew how to get me where I needed to go and he got there fast. Walking down a strange alley at midnight got my heart pumping a little bit faster...but I mean, I can hold my own. hah.
I fell asleep pretty quickly at my hostel (word to the wise...if you ever find yourself in Nanjing I would highly recommend Jasmine Youth Hostel...it was great. and that is a legit no strings attached recommendation). I was most excited for Saturday. I was going to hang out with Sarah all day and meet people from my new school and actually see my new school. But of course the rain tried to dampen (heh) my day. And of course I didn't let the rain ruin anything. I trudged around in that rain like a soggy successful mess. I'm not quite sure if I can label what the highlight of that day was. I mean, I played ping pong...pardon me, table tennis, ate so much cheese, had a starbucks, ate Mexican food (!!) and played a new board game (shout out to ticket to ride). So yes, it was a good, long, fun day.
Now comes explanations round two.
I feel like I need to be completely honest and admit how flippin' scared I was at this point in time. How much doubt and fear was swirling around my brain and suffocating my thoughts. When I arrived in Guiyang, it was an instant love affair with zero hesitation. When I arrived in Nanjing...not so much. As I was settling in on Saturday night, I couldn't help but think "maybe I'm making a mistake. maybe I made a mistake. maybe this isn't right. maybe it isn't what I want" Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I swear, I thought I wouldn't get any sleep for tossing and turning and the endless thoughts racing through my brain. When I first came to China, I knew that I would have a good friend with me from start to finish. I knew that I would make good friends with the other two teachers placed in my city. I knew that I would never be alone. But now I'm setting off to go to Nanjing alone. Sure, I know people in the city. But they all know people. They all have people already. I'm going in blind. Nothing is really guaranteed. It is pretty nerve racking entering a city with millions and millions of people and not knowing if you'll find a friendly face. Not knowing if you'll like it, feel at home. So I was having a royal freak out session.
Sunday rolls around and I have to say goodbye to Sarah as she was leaving to head back to the States. That was pretty hard, more so for her, but hard enough for me. Sarah was a friend I wasn't expecting to make in China. We knew each other for all of what, seven days in Hong Kong before she went to Beijing and I went to Guiyang. But through our dear friend QQ, a great friendship was born and we discovered kindred spirits within each other. I mean, we are practically the same person. I feel so grateful, not only that I met her, but that the fates lined up and allowed us to see each other before she left China.
I also was treated to a wonderful afternoon in Nanjing by a friend who lives there. I talked about Ben way back when in Hong Kong the first time around. He is the father of a student of Brad...look at how this has all come full circle. I started my China adventure with the wonderfully dubbed hostel group, and I got to see some of them again. Well Ben took me out to a park in Nanjing, what he called the most beautiful place in the city and to the Sun Yat-Sen Mausoleum. The park was huge and was the first thing that I can say I truly loved about Nanjing. It was so green! There were trees everywhere! People were bike riding and walking and there were lakes and birds and kids and it was just so so great! I love seeing that side of China. Away from the tall buildings, busy people, and car horns. I love feeling like I'm part of something old and historic. I feel like I am in the real China when I am surrounded by nature and not skyscrapers.
Ben also took me to dinner which was incredibly nice and the food was so deliciously amazing I thought I had fallen in love. And I defnitely never thought I'd feel that way about fish, because I have never liked fish. The food in Nanjing definitely has a different flavor palate than Guiyang, and I can't say that I mind one little bit. After dinner we walked around the main downtown area before I headed back to my hostel. I went back to the hostel for bed that night with a fully belly and happiness in my heart.
Some of my uncertainties still remain about Nanjing. I don't regret any of the decisions I made. I don't regret signing on to live in China for another year. I don't regret making my new home Nanjing. I think maybe you can't enjoy everything to its fullest extent if it was all sunshine and daisies all the time. I've had my fair share of struggles getting to this place, getting this job, and fulfilling my newest dream to stay in China. I think my future appreciation for Nanjing will be that much greater because I've already experienced the doubt and fear.
We'll see what the future holds. I'm just as excited as you to figure it out.
There were a couple mixups here in Guiyang regarding what day we were going to finish teaching. Our original end date was June 14th...which would be the end of this week. When that was the case, Amber and I were going to travel around China a bit before heading down south to Vietnam. One of our stops was going to be Nanjing where we have a couple friends and I'll be living and teaching next school year. Well it turns out, we were supposed to be finished teaching in Guiyang until JULY 14th, which put quite a hamper in many of our plans. But a happy medium was reached and I'll be teaching in Guiyang until June 30th now. Amber and I canceled our travels in China (I mean, I'll have plenty of time for that next year anyway) but I still needed to find my way out to Nanjing to get my contract and finalize everything. So I just picked the following weekend and went. There is explanation part one.
Now on to the explorations. I was super excited to go to Nanjing. I would get to explore my new home even if it was only for a couple days and I would get to see a few friends (yay!) and I mean how is that anything but exciting. Well let me tell you how nerve racking it can be traveling in China by yourself for the first time. Actually, it wasn't nearly as bad as I feared it could be. By now I am used to taxi drivers going the wrong way on purpose and jacking up my bill, I've been in and out of the Guiyang airport enough times to be comfortable. But arriving in Nanjing was just a little...scary? I don't know. It was pretty late when I got in and it was raining. But I had no problem getting a taxi and he knew how to get me where I needed to go and he got there fast. Walking down a strange alley at midnight got my heart pumping a little bit faster...but I mean, I can hold my own. hah.
I fell asleep pretty quickly at my hostel (word to the wise...if you ever find yourself in Nanjing I would highly recommend Jasmine Youth Hostel...it was great. and that is a legit no strings attached recommendation). I was most excited for Saturday. I was going to hang out with Sarah all day and meet people from my new school and actually see my new school. But of course the rain tried to dampen (heh) my day. And of course I didn't let the rain ruin anything. I trudged around in that rain like a soggy successful mess. I'm not quite sure if I can label what the highlight of that day was. I mean, I played ping pong...pardon me, table tennis, ate so much cheese, had a starbucks, ate Mexican food (!!) and played a new board game (shout out to ticket to ride). So yes, it was a good, long, fun day.
Now comes explanations round two.
I feel like I need to be completely honest and admit how flippin' scared I was at this point in time. How much doubt and fear was swirling around my brain and suffocating my thoughts. When I arrived in Guiyang, it was an instant love affair with zero hesitation. When I arrived in Nanjing...not so much. As I was settling in on Saturday night, I couldn't help but think "maybe I'm making a mistake. maybe I made a mistake. maybe this isn't right. maybe it isn't what I want" Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I swear, I thought I wouldn't get any sleep for tossing and turning and the endless thoughts racing through my brain. When I first came to China, I knew that I would have a good friend with me from start to finish. I knew that I would make good friends with the other two teachers placed in my city. I knew that I would never be alone. But now I'm setting off to go to Nanjing alone. Sure, I know people in the city. But they all know people. They all have people already. I'm going in blind. Nothing is really guaranteed. It is pretty nerve racking entering a city with millions and millions of people and not knowing if you'll find a friendly face. Not knowing if you'll like it, feel at home. So I was having a royal freak out session.
Sunday rolls around and I have to say goodbye to Sarah as she was leaving to head back to the States. That was pretty hard, more so for her, but hard enough for me. Sarah was a friend I wasn't expecting to make in China. We knew each other for all of what, seven days in Hong Kong before she went to Beijing and I went to Guiyang. But through our dear friend QQ, a great friendship was born and we discovered kindred spirits within each other. I mean, we are practically the same person. I feel so grateful, not only that I met her, but that the fates lined up and allowed us to see each other before she left China.
I also was treated to a wonderful afternoon in Nanjing by a friend who lives there. I talked about Ben way back when in Hong Kong the first time around. He is the father of a student of Brad...look at how this has all come full circle. I started my China adventure with the wonderfully dubbed hostel group, and I got to see some of them again. Well Ben took me out to a park in Nanjing, what he called the most beautiful place in the city and to the Sun Yat-Sen Mausoleum. The park was huge and was the first thing that I can say I truly loved about Nanjing. It was so green! There were trees everywhere! People were bike riding and walking and there were lakes and birds and kids and it was just so so great! I love seeing that side of China. Away from the tall buildings, busy people, and car horns. I love feeling like I'm part of something old and historic. I feel like I am in the real China when I am surrounded by nature and not skyscrapers.
Ben also took me to dinner which was incredibly nice and the food was so deliciously amazing I thought I had fallen in love. And I defnitely never thought I'd feel that way about fish, because I have never liked fish. The food in Nanjing definitely has a different flavor palate than Guiyang, and I can't say that I mind one little bit. After dinner we walked around the main downtown area before I headed back to my hostel. I went back to the hostel for bed that night with a fully belly and happiness in my heart.
Some of my uncertainties still remain about Nanjing. I don't regret any of the decisions I made. I don't regret signing on to live in China for another year. I don't regret making my new home Nanjing. I think maybe you can't enjoy everything to its fullest extent if it was all sunshine and daisies all the time. I've had my fair share of struggles getting to this place, getting this job, and fulfilling my newest dream to stay in China. I think my future appreciation for Nanjing will be that much greater because I've already experienced the doubt and fear.
We'll see what the future holds. I'm just as excited as you to figure it out.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Digging Deeper.
So over the past few weeks I have grown a little bit closer with China and some of my students. One of my favorite things about this whole experience has been when I'm walking home or just out on the streets somewhere and I see one of my students or hear a loud "Hellooooo Ash-a-leeey" or just get mauled by hugs from the back. It is always completely unexpected and a great treasure.
I recently started tutoring one of my students, a second grader named Nicole. One of the Chinese English teachers set it up and took me to Nicole's home for the lesson. Let my start by saying "jaw drop" because her home is B.E.A.UTIFUL. It is on the top floor (25th) of the building and is a split level apartment consisting of (I think) 3 or 4 levels. The apartment has a top notch view of dowtown Guiyang, including the signatuer Jiaxiu Tower, People's Square, and the Nanming River. I seriously couldn't believe it. She also has a pet golden retriever named Princess and an indoor swimming pool. Now, you may all appropriately let your jaws drop too.
So after I finish oggling at everything and playing with Princess I am brought drinks and snacks and fruit and they keep asking what else I would like and yada yada. And I'm all like "woah now. You've given me watermelon and yang mei (most delicious fruit ever) and crackers and yogurt and juice and water." They were so incredibly hospitable. And I was sitting on the couch next to the grandmother who didn't speak a lick of English but kept saying how beautiful I am and how nice my teeth are and my hair looks so nice and I thought I would die from cuteness overload of this grandma.
I then had a two hour session with Nicole which I'll kind of skip over because I mean really, who needs details of learning about the grocery store and labeling things in her play/study room. But I guess I should comment on some of the things in this study but really play room. The girl had a red Ferarri bike and a little motorized Harley Davidson bike. Oh, and two regular bikes too. The kid has it made. But you would never really know that because she is the sweetest thing and would rather play with the dirt then al her crazy gadgets. Only she does love to ride her bike. But only one bike. Its kinda crazy she has so many because she just rides the one. But she's super cute and I love her.
So we finish our session and I think I'm gonna go home. But no, they want to take me to their grandfather's house out in Huaxi district (very green and pretty and about 45 minutes from downtown Guiyang). So we drive out there (her parents, Nicole, Journey (my teacher friend), Journey's cousin Mason, and Nicole's sister Flower. When we get there, I'm offered even more snacks and drinks and the four "young ones" (Mason, Nicole, Flower, and myself) all get bikes and we go on a ride through this park near the house. So I finally fulfilled my dream of bike riding in China. And I was not disappointed. The bike path was along a river and every couple of yards there were wild orchids blooming sky high and trees of every shade of green. And that day was one of the most beautiful days we've had in Guiyang. Not a cloud in the sky, a nice light breeze and endless sunshine. I'm not even sure how long we rode the bikes but I wanted to freeze time and never let it continue. I was feeling so incredibly grateful and was in a state of pure bliss.
We took a short rest before heading back and you guessed it, they bought us more snacks and drinks. All over Guiyang, peope set up little stalls where they have buckets of hot coals and wire screens so they can cook little snacks. Most commonly they serve squares of tofu, sausages, and the ones near rivers have dried fish. So we got a little of everything and it was all so good. Mason also got me a local snack that he could only call "ice noodle soup" which basically describes it. It was a bowl with huge chunks of frozen clear noodles, ice, chopped up apple, sesame seeds, and other fruits and juices. It was sooo sooo good. And the perfect refreshment for a hot day. I was a little skeptical when I first saw it but I have lived by my "try everything" motto in China; usually that motto does me no wrong.
We biked back to the house where even more snacks were waiting for us. There was rose sugar candy (yes, made from real roses), these biscuit things made from peas, sunflower seeds...you name it. Well, actually, I can't really name most of it. And then within minutes dinner was ready. We set up a table outside and enjoyed the setting sun, good company, and good food. There were these delicious egg roll type things (not really eggrolls, more like a taquito actually but I wanted to never stop eating them...so good), rice, veggies, lentils, chicken (which happened to be alive before we left for the bike ride...I try not to think about these things though), soup, and potatoes. And another pleasant surprise showed up on the table. I once told myself trying it one time was enough to last the rest of my life. But when you are a guest in someone's home, you try everything at least once. So yes, I did eat pig kidney...AGAIN. I now think I have eaten enough to last a lifetime. Its not that they are even bad...I just can't seem to bypass the thought "you're eating kidney. you're eating kidney. you're eating kidney"
After dinner, I played basketball with Nicole but she got bored quickly and took off on her bike again. I then just relaxed as the evening cooled off and got to know my new friend Mason.
I am beyond grateful (I'm pretty sure I've already said that) for everything China has given to me. I seriously am in awe of how much I have gotten out of this experience. I never expected to make China a home. I never expected to fall so in love with the culture, the people, the food, the environment...with everything. I never thought I'd get the chance to become a part of a student's family. I never thought I would dig so deep into China. And I never thought it would dig so deep in to me. China has placed its everlasting roots into my heart and soul. I know I will never be the same.
I recently started tutoring one of my students, a second grader named Nicole. One of the Chinese English teachers set it up and took me to Nicole's home for the lesson. Let my start by saying "jaw drop" because her home is B.E.A.UTIFUL. It is on the top floor (25th) of the building and is a split level apartment consisting of (I think) 3 or 4 levels. The apartment has a top notch view of dowtown Guiyang, including the signatuer Jiaxiu Tower, People's Square, and the Nanming River. I seriously couldn't believe it. She also has a pet golden retriever named Princess and an indoor swimming pool. Now, you may all appropriately let your jaws drop too.
So after I finish oggling at everything and playing with Princess I am brought drinks and snacks and fruit and they keep asking what else I would like and yada yada. And I'm all like "woah now. You've given me watermelon and yang mei (most delicious fruit ever) and crackers and yogurt and juice and water." They were so incredibly hospitable. And I was sitting on the couch next to the grandmother who didn't speak a lick of English but kept saying how beautiful I am and how nice my teeth are and my hair looks so nice and I thought I would die from cuteness overload of this grandma.
I then had a two hour session with Nicole which I'll kind of skip over because I mean really, who needs details of learning about the grocery store and labeling things in her play/study room. But I guess I should comment on some of the things in this study but really play room. The girl had a red Ferarri bike and a little motorized Harley Davidson bike. Oh, and two regular bikes too. The kid has it made. But you would never really know that because she is the sweetest thing and would rather play with the dirt then al her crazy gadgets. Only she does love to ride her bike. But only one bike. Its kinda crazy she has so many because she just rides the one. But she's super cute and I love her.
So we finish our session and I think I'm gonna go home. But no, they want to take me to their grandfather's house out in Huaxi district (very green and pretty and about 45 minutes from downtown Guiyang). So we drive out there (her parents, Nicole, Journey (my teacher friend), Journey's cousin Mason, and Nicole's sister Flower. When we get there, I'm offered even more snacks and drinks and the four "young ones" (Mason, Nicole, Flower, and myself) all get bikes and we go on a ride through this park near the house. So I finally fulfilled my dream of bike riding in China. And I was not disappointed. The bike path was along a river and every couple of yards there were wild orchids blooming sky high and trees of every shade of green. And that day was one of the most beautiful days we've had in Guiyang. Not a cloud in the sky, a nice light breeze and endless sunshine. I'm not even sure how long we rode the bikes but I wanted to freeze time and never let it continue. I was feeling so incredibly grateful and was in a state of pure bliss.
We took a short rest before heading back and you guessed it, they bought us more snacks and drinks. All over Guiyang, peope set up little stalls where they have buckets of hot coals and wire screens so they can cook little snacks. Most commonly they serve squares of tofu, sausages, and the ones near rivers have dried fish. So we got a little of everything and it was all so good. Mason also got me a local snack that he could only call "ice noodle soup" which basically describes it. It was a bowl with huge chunks of frozen clear noodles, ice, chopped up apple, sesame seeds, and other fruits and juices. It was sooo sooo good. And the perfect refreshment for a hot day. I was a little skeptical when I first saw it but I have lived by my "try everything" motto in China; usually that motto does me no wrong.
We biked back to the house where even more snacks were waiting for us. There was rose sugar candy (yes, made from real roses), these biscuit things made from peas, sunflower seeds...you name it. Well, actually, I can't really name most of it. And then within minutes dinner was ready. We set up a table outside and enjoyed the setting sun, good company, and good food. There were these delicious egg roll type things (not really eggrolls, more like a taquito actually but I wanted to never stop eating them...so good), rice, veggies, lentils, chicken (which happened to be alive before we left for the bike ride...I try not to think about these things though), soup, and potatoes. And another pleasant surprise showed up on the table. I once told myself trying it one time was enough to last the rest of my life. But when you are a guest in someone's home, you try everything at least once. So yes, I did eat pig kidney...AGAIN. I now think I have eaten enough to last a lifetime. Its not that they are even bad...I just can't seem to bypass the thought "you're eating kidney. you're eating kidney. you're eating kidney"
After dinner, I played basketball with Nicole but she got bored quickly and took off on her bike again. I then just relaxed as the evening cooled off and got to know my new friend Mason.
I am beyond grateful (I'm pretty sure I've already said that) for everything China has given to me. I seriously am in awe of how much I have gotten out of this experience. I never expected to make China a home. I never expected to fall so in love with the culture, the people, the food, the environment...with everything. I never thought I'd get the chance to become a part of a student's family. I never thought I would dig so deep into China. And I never thought it would dig so deep in to me. China has placed its everlasting roots into my heart and soul. I know I will never be the same.
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