Preparing For The End.

So a new post was requested and I'm not really sure what I have to say. The last couple weeks have kind of been a blur of action and nonaction. Going from here to there and doing the same thing in an endless cycle. But then again, everything has been done with a different filter over the lens. Everytime I look at something, talk to someone, experience something...I wonder, "is this the last time?"

In four short days I will be leaving Guiyang. Though I don't plan on my goodbye to this beautiful city to be permanent, I have no idea what the future holds. I want more than anything to return here, even if its just for a visit. But still, the ever present thought of goodbye is really starting to wear me down. I walk down the hallways at school and half of my students get this little pouty face and just start saying "no" and a new wave of sadness washes over me.

I know everyone keeps saying "those kids love you. you've changed their lives" but all those people are wrong (well, maybe not wrong, but that's not the full story). I love those kids. THEY have changed MY life. Everything about this experience has made me a better person and now I am about to leave and I worry that everything will change. This person who I have become, who I love, will she go away when I leave? Over time, the memories will start to fade, the colors will all blur together, I'll forget my students names, what bus routes I rode regularly. I'll forget the silly songs I sing (I can only hope I forget some of them!) and I'll forget which doors creak, which doors don't stay closed unless locked. I'll start flushing my toilet paper again and using forks.

All of these things are going to change because of one word. "Goodbye" Its something we say all the time but rarely think about what it really means. And there is always the cliche, "It's not goodbye, it's see you later" but this time it really is a goodbye. Why is it that we only think about the truth of goodbye when it really is forever. When we have to say goodbye to someone who has passed away or is moving away. When people simply vanish from our lives it changes us.

And now I'm facing the most difficult goodbye I have ever faced. Sure goodbyes at deaths are pretty difficult, but there is always the thought and hope that that person is no longer suffering and in a better place. You aren't facing a goodbye in which you fear that person will continue on in life and eventually forget about you. The goodbye I must say to my students stings deep. I can't even really make comprehensible sentences right now because I just don't wan to think about it anymore. But it is now unavoidable.

None of this probably makes any sense. I probably shouldn't post this, but I will. The is the best I've been able to do so far at explaining how I feel about it. So yeah. In summary, goodbyes suck.