Words.

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. My mind has been racing a million miles an hour. Never slowing down, never taking break. I've had many sleepless nights. Do you ever wish that life could be like the sci-fi novels? Where you can just can lie down at night and turn a switch and you fall asleep until a preset time and then viola! you wake up? Well, I don't think I wish that was life...but I do wish I could turn my brain off.

Also, I've been bad (as I say every time) about writing in my blog frequently. Especially when I actually have so many things to say. For example, one week ago today, my dad was in China! So was my uncle. So shout out to you dad and Uncle Jim! It was a week ago that they left China. So crazy how time flies... But this post isn't about them. That's gonna come some time soon (hopefully).

This post is about words. Words are funny things. They have set meanings, they have implied meanings, they have inferred meanings...they have the meaning we wish we could convey but we can't find the right word so we say the wrong word. They have the meaning that we want to hear instead of what we actually hear.

Words are powerful. And the lack of words is also powerful.  And right now, I find myself to be enslaved by words.

Words I've said and regret.

Words I can't seem to say but desperately wish I could.

Words that I wish other people would say but don't.

Words that other people do say that I don't want to hear.

Words.

They follow us everywhere .

One of the words that is particularly haunting me right now: Hope.

Hope is a funny word. I mean, it has this strange power over us. When we have hope, when we speak of hope, we become optimistic. Hope gives us something to look forward to in the darkest of situations. It keeps people moving when they think they can't go any further.  But hope can also be a sneaky little jerk. It leaves you clinging on to the edge of the cliff when really you should have let go a long time ago.  Hope is that quiet whisper, telling you maybe there is a chance...when reality is repeatedly smacking you in the face,  trying to rouse you from a cloudy stupor. I'm not really sure which version of hope is better or if you can really compare the two. Hope has brought me great joy and it has brought me great pain. But I think that's kind of the beauty of hope; because if you truly believe in the power of hope, even when it let's you down, you have to realize that it will pick you back up again.

And what about if/but?

These two words drive me crazy. "if" this was different then... or "blah blah blah is true, BUT....blah blah blah" The fact of the matter is our world isn't black and white. It's red and green and purple and orange and brown. So many times I want to believe if something is so, then it is just that. BUT (ugh I hate it) life isn't always what we want it to be. And regardless of desires and wants, there are harsh realities that we have to face. As much as I want to believe we could live in a world without ifs and buts, we just can't. Because circumstances change everything. And just because you want something to be so, doesn't mean it will be. You may think you have all the answers, but guess what? Someone else thinks they have the answers too. And well, life isn't as easy as bubbling in C. Our varying opinions and beliefs are what give life to ifs and buts. And as much as I hate hearing ifs and buts, I would never want to live in a world where they don't exist. Because then we wouldn't have choices.

Another funny word? Love.

What is love? I mean really? We throw around the word love so much. Heck, pretty much every person I talked to today, I told them I love them. And I mean, I do love them and I do love a lot of people. But I also said I loved the dinner I cooked for myself. And I could say that I loved the book I finished reading. I love strawberries. I love the Angels. I love sunshine. But what is love? Scientists will tell you its some chemicals firing around in your brain. Cool. Romantics will tell you its "just a feeling...you'll know it when you feel it". Well, I don't know if I've ever felt love before. Well, that's not accurate to say. I've definitely felt love...but have I been in love? That I can't answer. Will I know it when it happens? Again, I don't know. I've been wondering a lot lately about what love is. Sometimes I get this idea that love can't be one-sided. In order to truly know love, it has to be returned. If the object of your love doesn't know your feelings, and doesn't at least in some way, return those feelings (maybe not with love, but at least I don't know, acknowledgement?) then, is your love real? That, I really don't know. Sometimes I think that love has to be returned to be real; I mean, love is action. Its not enough to say it or feel it, you need to act it, live it, show it. Maybe love is what you make it to be. For one person, it could be the butterflies in the stomach, endless nights of thinking of the same person, stuttering through your words because your brain just turns to mush when that person talks to you. For others, it might be based on practicality. Can this person provide for me? Will I be happy with this person? Do we get along? Can we resolve arguments? I think any sane person would have to combine a little of all of that to find "true love". There's no fun in just looking at the facts of the matter and it is incredibly foolish to jump head into something due to a fluttering in your tummy.

A word that I like: ominous.

When you hear that word, doesn't it just kinda give you goosebumps? When I hear that word, I instantly picture a storm rolling in on the horizon. Dark clouds...the beginnings of wind...maybe a few rain drops. And then before you know it that storm is right upon you and you are stuck in this flurry of a world with pounding rain and screaming winds and roads become mud pits and its just pure chaos. Maybe its just me.

There are so many other words that keep playing through my mind.

Time. Distance. Forgiveness. Friendship.

What each of these things means to me. How my meaning may relate to another person's meaning. How differences in meaning can tear people apart, or how similarities can bring you together.

Time can easily be your friend or your enemy. Time goes too fast...it goes too slow.

Distance. Man, has that word been a major pain in my butt for the last year. Moving half way around the world, well that's quite a large distance. And it strains relationships. But, when the distance grows larger from one thing, it grows closer to another thing.

Forgiveness.  It's easier said than done in most cases. When we seek advice, it's always so easy to say, well just forgive. But when it comes to actually having to forgive, we shrink up. I don't want to be a slave to the shadows of my past, begging me for forgiveness. And I don't want to be on the other end, begging for a second, third or fourth chance. But the longer we hold on to those grudges, the longer we'll be weighed down. And forgiveness doesn't have to be followed by acceptance. It is such a double edged sword because any time we are wronged we want justice, and we want those who wronged us to suffer. But when we have wronged another, we will grovel and beg until forgiveness is granted.

Friendship. I wish I could say that every friendship in my life was perfect. But its not. And I'm pretty sure all my friends can attest to that. I've lost friends, gained friends, just like everyone. I've been "friend dumped" and I've "dumped" a few friends myself. And well, no matter how you shake it, it always sucks when a friendship ends. And the older I get, the more I realize that I have to fight for the friends that I have.  We aren't in high school anymore where we see our besties every day and are guaranteed a minimum amount of time with them every day. We're adults now. We live in different states, countries, time zones.We have jobs and families and responsibilities. And I know this is an area that I have failed in. I took for granted people who were there for me and just figured that they would continue to be there for me when I got my head out of my butt. Well, people don't wait forever when you're being an idiot. But regardless of what has happened in the past and for the mistakes that were made, I know that I have been truly blessed to have all the friends that I have had and do still have. Each one has contributed to my life in numerous ways and I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

And of course, I have to end this with my favorite word...

And its been my favorite word since 7th grade because I'm awesome like that.

BONANZA.

Endings and Beginnings

I've been thinking long and hard about what I would say when I would finally sit down and think about the last year and the year to come. Each time, I come to the same beginning, the same middle, and the same end. The year 2013 started for me with a road trip. We were going on a family trip to Lake Tahoe and I was trying my best to cherish each moment. Of course, constantly in my mind was the same thought: within the next month, I would be leaving for China. I remember sitting in the car and talking about all the food I would miss, chili fries, burgers, frozen yogurt, Starbucks...but what I wasn't thinking about was how much I was going to gain.

The next few weeks were a blur. I finished working, I moved out of my apartment and left San Diego, and I was essentially living out of my car and a few boxes and bags until the great departure. Every emotion known to man was coursing through my body during those days. Excitement, fear, happiness, sadness, curiosity; you name it, I felt it. Time seemed to be going at warp speed and slow motion at the same time. And then it was finally the day. February 13th was my last full day at home. I remember that day with such clarity. Having breakfast with my family, going bowling, visiting my grandma, running around like a crazy woman buying last minute things. And packing packing packing.  You would think that a 6 month adventure would require sooner packing, but nope. I finished packing a mere few hours before I left for the airport. And then the most incredible adventure of my life began.

I remember the exact moment I knew that I made the right decision in coming to China. I was sitting on the beach in Hong Kong and finally the spark was ignited. I knew that my life would change before I left. I knew that I would experience new things, make new friends, lose some things and gain others. But it was that day on the beach that I realized just how much everything could change. It was that day that I fell in love. Now, this is hard to explain because I don't really understand it myself. Nothing really happened that day except a decision was made.  I decided to embrace the saying "come what may." It was that attitude that helped me make every decision to come.  It was that attitude that made me realize when I wrote in my journal on February 23rd "it's crazy how seriously I am considering returning to teach in the fall"  I wasn't bluffing. And it made me realize the small spark from that day on the beach had turned into a flame. And the flame eventually became a fire. Most of my friends and my family thought I was crazy for wanting to come back. How could I know after 2 weeks that I wanted to stay in China? I mean even I thought I was crazy. Its difficult for me to put into words how I knew. Because sometimes in life, you just know. I guess its how all the fancy authors describe falling in love. Or all those songs you hear on the radio and you wonder how the lyricist managed to put into words your indescribable feelings.  Well, I just knew. I truly believe that my path to China was paved by God. And the roots that I have now established here are also due to Him. That is how I know I am doing the right thing. That is why I know that I am meant to be here. I don't have all the answers yet. I don't know if I'll be here for a year or two or maybe forever. But I do know that I couldn't throw away this opportunity or this life. It was a gift of change. It was an opportunity given to me to become the person I was meant to become. And slowly but surely, I know I'm becoming that person.

So I thought I had planned out what I wanted to say in this blog post and as always, I've gone off track and now need to find my way back. If I had to pick one or two words to describe 2013, I'm sure many of you who regularly read my blog or know anything about me could guess at least one or both of the words. I'll give you a hint...they BOTH  start with "ch".  Well if you didn't at least guess China, to put it bluntly you are an idiot. Obviously, the biggest part of my year was coming to China. If you asked my on the first day of 2013 while I was sitting in the car for hours on end, I could have told you the biggest part of my year would be China. But I definitely never expected I would be ending 2013 in China. If you told me that I would go back to China, I would have thought you were on crazy pills. As I said before, I knew China would change me, but I really didn't expect it to become so much a part of me. I didn't think I would want to stay or come back. But here I am, sitting in a Starbucks in Nanjing, listening to Mozart and blogging. I mean, honestly, who am I?!

And that brings me to my second "ch" word: CHANGE. Now change got the capital treatment because I think it actually played a bigger role in my life than China did. However, most of that change was due to China. So I guess they were both equally important. I have changed in so many ways that it would take not only my fingers and toes, but the hairs on my head as well to start counting them all. I know that most of my changes have been for the better, and I also know that I still have a lot of room to grow. Over the last month or so, I've been struggling with somewhat of an identity crisis. There have been so many changes that sometimes I really just forget who I am. And at times I've really struggled with trying to reconcile the "old" me with the "new" me. Sometimes I wonder why I've made some of the changes. Did I do it for myself? Was it a conscious decision to make the change or did it just gradually happen? What was my motivation for change or did I even have one? And are these changes even permanent or just a current fixture that will pass with time? I can't answer any of those questions. Well, maybe I could but I don't think the answers really matter. What does matter is that overall, I'm happy.

Now some of these changes are incredibly superficial and insignificant. Some are bigger and rather life-altering. For example, my favorite food is no longer...wait, what was my favorite food before? Um, I really loved spaghetti and I guess if I had to pick a favorite meal at home it would be my dad's grilled tri tip and potatoes...oh wait a second; while I was home, the thing I ate the most by far was El Burrito Jr...a surfer's special to be exact. I don't know how that didn't come to mind right away, it actually scares me a little to realize that I forgot how much I love bean and cheese burritos. But that just goes to show that now, without a doubt, my favorite food is di san xian. Or in other words, this magical Chinese dish comprised of eggplant, potatoes, and green bell peppers.  It is amazingly delicious and I could eat it every day. It is just that good.  Now I could go on forever in just how my taste palate has changed in the last year, but talking about food will only make me hungry and honestly, for you to know how many foods that I like now that I never liked before would just waste my time and yours. Others ways in which I've changed include more confidence, higher self worth, becoming a teacher, seeing the world, being more open to new ideas and thoughts and experiences.  And as I already said, there are many ways in which I can continue to change. I've definitely become a more shy and quiet person, which is probably the biggest shock of all. I'm not as outspoken as I used to be. I've definitely lost some of my crazy spontaneity. Whether that's a good thing or not, I don't know. One of my other biggest changes is something that I wasn't sure I wanted to write about. But, everyone who reads this either sees my in person or sees my photos on Facebook so you probably already know so I figured why the heck not talk about it.  This year, I have some how managed to do something that I have tried and failed to do for quite a long time. I've gotten healthier and I've lost some weight. And I mean, to not beat around the bush, I've lost over 60 pounds. Which is pretty crazy and cool I guess. I mean, it's a big deal. It's just weird to think about. I didn't try or do anything different except I moved to China. So let that tell you what you want it to tell you.

So the year of China and change, 2013 you have been one for the record books. I've made friends, I've lost friends. I've crossed things off my bucket list. I've seen the parts of the world that I never even imagined I would see. I have felt some of the greatest joy and some of the deepest sadness. I wouldn't change a single thing that happened. I know that it wouldn't be fair for me to hold 2014 to the standard set by 2013, but I think that from here on out, my life is just going to continue to get better. The changes I've made and that have occurred in my life really have given me a new perspective on life. I have found a new purpose, a new reason. And knowing that I am living a life that is making a difference, an impact, not only on my life but on the lives of others has given me the assurance beyond a doubt that 2013 has been the best year of my life so far. I can only hope that I can continue to grow in a positive way. I can only hope that 2014 will bring me the same blessings, the same happiness, the same sadness that has all contributed to the person I am right now in this moment. And I am most thankful that I have found my way back to living a more Christ-centered life. I have plenty of room for improvement, but my greatest blessing has been finding myself through Him again.

2013, I salute you. 2014, I welcome you with an open mind, open heart, and open arms.