Words.

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. My mind has been racing a million miles an hour. Never slowing down, never taking break. I've had many sleepless nights. Do you ever wish that life could be like the sci-fi novels? Where you can just can lie down at night and turn a switch and you fall asleep until a preset time and then viola! you wake up? Well, I don't think I wish that was life...but I do wish I could turn my brain off.

Also, I've been bad (as I say every time) about writing in my blog frequently. Especially when I actually have so many things to say. For example, one week ago today, my dad was in China! So was my uncle. So shout out to you dad and Uncle Jim! It was a week ago that they left China. So crazy how time flies... But this post isn't about them. That's gonna come some time soon (hopefully).

This post is about words. Words are funny things. They have set meanings, they have implied meanings, they have inferred meanings...they have the meaning we wish we could convey but we can't find the right word so we say the wrong word. They have the meaning that we want to hear instead of what we actually hear.

Words are powerful. And the lack of words is also powerful.  And right now, I find myself to be enslaved by words.

Words I've said and regret.

Words I can't seem to say but desperately wish I could.

Words that I wish other people would say but don't.

Words that other people do say that I don't want to hear.

Words.

They follow us everywhere .

One of the words that is particularly haunting me right now: Hope.

Hope is a funny word. I mean, it has this strange power over us. When we have hope, when we speak of hope, we become optimistic. Hope gives us something to look forward to in the darkest of situations. It keeps people moving when they think they can't go any further.  But hope can also be a sneaky little jerk. It leaves you clinging on to the edge of the cliff when really you should have let go a long time ago.  Hope is that quiet whisper, telling you maybe there is a chance...when reality is repeatedly smacking you in the face,  trying to rouse you from a cloudy stupor. I'm not really sure which version of hope is better or if you can really compare the two. Hope has brought me great joy and it has brought me great pain. But I think that's kind of the beauty of hope; because if you truly believe in the power of hope, even when it let's you down, you have to realize that it will pick you back up again.

And what about if/but?

These two words drive me crazy. "if" this was different then... or "blah blah blah is true, BUT....blah blah blah" The fact of the matter is our world isn't black and white. It's red and green and purple and orange and brown. So many times I want to believe if something is so, then it is just that. BUT (ugh I hate it) life isn't always what we want it to be. And regardless of desires and wants, there are harsh realities that we have to face. As much as I want to believe we could live in a world without ifs and buts, we just can't. Because circumstances change everything. And just because you want something to be so, doesn't mean it will be. You may think you have all the answers, but guess what? Someone else thinks they have the answers too. And well, life isn't as easy as bubbling in C. Our varying opinions and beliefs are what give life to ifs and buts. And as much as I hate hearing ifs and buts, I would never want to live in a world where they don't exist. Because then we wouldn't have choices.

Another funny word? Love.

What is love? I mean really? We throw around the word love so much. Heck, pretty much every person I talked to today, I told them I love them. And I mean, I do love them and I do love a lot of people. But I also said I loved the dinner I cooked for myself. And I could say that I loved the book I finished reading. I love strawberries. I love the Angels. I love sunshine. But what is love? Scientists will tell you its some chemicals firing around in your brain. Cool. Romantics will tell you its "just a feeling...you'll know it when you feel it". Well, I don't know if I've ever felt love before. Well, that's not accurate to say. I've definitely felt love...but have I been in love? That I can't answer. Will I know it when it happens? Again, I don't know. I've been wondering a lot lately about what love is. Sometimes I get this idea that love can't be one-sided. In order to truly know love, it has to be returned. If the object of your love doesn't know your feelings, and doesn't at least in some way, return those feelings (maybe not with love, but at least I don't know, acknowledgement?) then, is your love real? That, I really don't know. Sometimes I think that love has to be returned to be real; I mean, love is action. Its not enough to say it or feel it, you need to act it, live it, show it. Maybe love is what you make it to be. For one person, it could be the butterflies in the stomach, endless nights of thinking of the same person, stuttering through your words because your brain just turns to mush when that person talks to you. For others, it might be based on practicality. Can this person provide for me? Will I be happy with this person? Do we get along? Can we resolve arguments? I think any sane person would have to combine a little of all of that to find "true love". There's no fun in just looking at the facts of the matter and it is incredibly foolish to jump head into something due to a fluttering in your tummy.

A word that I like: ominous.

When you hear that word, doesn't it just kinda give you goosebumps? When I hear that word, I instantly picture a storm rolling in on the horizon. Dark clouds...the beginnings of wind...maybe a few rain drops. And then before you know it that storm is right upon you and you are stuck in this flurry of a world with pounding rain and screaming winds and roads become mud pits and its just pure chaos. Maybe its just me.

There are so many other words that keep playing through my mind.

Time. Distance. Forgiveness. Friendship.

What each of these things means to me. How my meaning may relate to another person's meaning. How differences in meaning can tear people apart, or how similarities can bring you together.

Time can easily be your friend or your enemy. Time goes too fast...it goes too slow.

Distance. Man, has that word been a major pain in my butt for the last year. Moving half way around the world, well that's quite a large distance. And it strains relationships. But, when the distance grows larger from one thing, it grows closer to another thing.

Forgiveness.  It's easier said than done in most cases. When we seek advice, it's always so easy to say, well just forgive. But when it comes to actually having to forgive, we shrink up. I don't want to be a slave to the shadows of my past, begging me for forgiveness. And I don't want to be on the other end, begging for a second, third or fourth chance. But the longer we hold on to those grudges, the longer we'll be weighed down. And forgiveness doesn't have to be followed by acceptance. It is such a double edged sword because any time we are wronged we want justice, and we want those who wronged us to suffer. But when we have wronged another, we will grovel and beg until forgiveness is granted.

Friendship. I wish I could say that every friendship in my life was perfect. But its not. And I'm pretty sure all my friends can attest to that. I've lost friends, gained friends, just like everyone. I've been "friend dumped" and I've "dumped" a few friends myself. And well, no matter how you shake it, it always sucks when a friendship ends. And the older I get, the more I realize that I have to fight for the friends that I have.  We aren't in high school anymore where we see our besties every day and are guaranteed a minimum amount of time with them every day. We're adults now. We live in different states, countries, time zones.We have jobs and families and responsibilities. And I know this is an area that I have failed in. I took for granted people who were there for me and just figured that they would continue to be there for me when I got my head out of my butt. Well, people don't wait forever when you're being an idiot. But regardless of what has happened in the past and for the mistakes that were made, I know that I have been truly blessed to have all the friends that I have had and do still have. Each one has contributed to my life in numerous ways and I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.

And of course, I have to end this with my favorite word...

And its been my favorite word since 7th grade because I'm awesome like that.

BONANZA.