What Home Is.

I've now been back in China for 29 days. That may not sound like long, but a lot can happen in 29 days; that's also 3 days more than my time back home. But, if we're getting technical here, those 26 days were split up into a ton of different places: Vegas, San Diego, Arizona, Seal Beach.... So what exactly is home?  I mean, being in the US made me miss China. Being in Nanjing makes me miss Guiyang. Every single day I think about at least one thing that makes me miss the US. So where is home?

This is something I've been struggling with ever since I left my family behind at security at LAX.  Leaving for China was significantly harder this time around for several reasons, some of which I'm still discovering. Maybe that's why (actually that's exactly why) I've taken 29 days to write about my time at "home".  Thinking about and talking about things at home makes me sad. There is so much that I am missing out on: weddings, births, deaths, celebrations, birthdays, holidays...the list can continue forever. There are all the little things too: playing monopoly with friends, driving down PCH with the windows down and my music turned up, car bars, laughter, jokes, home cooked meals, walks along the beach, the release of all pain when someone you love and who loves you hugs you. These are all the things that make a home, mixed in all together, the good and the bad. That's why Seal Beach, San Diego, Vegas, Arizona, Guiyang, and now Nanjing are all home to me. That's why six places can hold a place in my heart and be part of who I am.

I'm not going to be a this cliché and say "home is not a place, its a feeling" because I don't think I fully believe that. Home is a place that makes us feel, gives us those feelings.  Home is where we feel welcome, safe, and loved.  Home is where we may feel alone, sad, and scared. It is a place where memories live forever, memories brought back through smells, sounds, and sights.  You can never really leave home or runaway because it follows you everywhere you go.  So I guess I wasted 29 days worrying about what would happen when I thought about and consequently wrote about home.

So what did I do during my 26 whirlwind days stateside?  I lived. I drove my car, fought with my family, shared secrets with my friends, stayed up too late, cried happy tears and sad.  I went to doctors appointments, ran errands, did laundry.  I did what I've always done but everything felt different. Maybe the real reason I've avoided talking about home is because at least at first, going home didn't feel right.  Now that I've finally admitted that, I can actually explain myself. Living in China changed me.  The people I met (Chinese, travelers, fellow teachers) changed me. My perspective shifted and I grew up a little bit. I saw the world and held it in the palm of my hands.  Going back to your own world after life-altering experiences changes your old world and I don't think I was expecting to feel so out of place when I returned. Home was the same and different in so many ways. The pace of life was faster, I was connected to the entire world everywhere I went thanks to my fully functioning iPhone. I could suddenly drink tap water, read signs, and be understood every time I ordered food, asked for directions, or talked to a stranger.  These are all things that I've basically lived with for 22 years and I had to readjust to live that way again. So coming home was also somewhat of a re-self-discovery.

But what I really should be getting to are the many adventures I had while home.  I managed to squeeze in three Angels games and one Galaxy game.  At my first Angels game, I was surprised with a "welcome home Ashley" sign on the jumbo tron (not a proposal, but close enough so I can mark that off the bucket list) and I was surrounded by family and friends.  I got to support my teams and I had a blast being crazy and just being me.  And I don't think anyone would disagree when I say a live game is incomparable to watching animated play-by-plays online. 

I also went to Vegas to visit family. Its hard when you see the people you care for so infrequently, but reconnecting and spending those 4 short days together was amazing. And I am proud to say that in those four days of gambling, I broke completely even.  Didn't lose or win a cent.  I guess you can call me a safe bet.  

I made the voyage down to San Diego which was probably the most bittersweet part of this journey.  My time there was so short and I didn't get to see everyone or eat all my favorite foods.  But, I am beyond grateful for the friends I did get to see.  Saying goodbye to them was difficult, but I have to believe that life will bring us together again.  And if it doesn't, well at least we'll always have the memories. My 4+ years in SD were some of the best in my life and I'm lucky to have been able to call it home. 

Another bucket list item can be checked off because after San Diego, I went to Arizona and finally saw the Grand Canyon.  It is just as magnificent and unbelievable as I always imagined.  I also spent a few days in Scottsdale where I finally got some time to relax and reconnect with old "family".  I had a blast.

Now if I were to break down the 26 days, I ended spending more time away from home (Seal Beach) then at it.  But I wouldn't change a thing. Thought at times it was hectic, crazy, and stressful, it was beautiful all the same.  I got to eat some of the most delicious food: tri tip, tacos, chicken and dumplings, el Burrito, Bubba's pulled pork, BBQ chicken, mac n cheese, omelets..... all these things that I love that bring back cherished memories.  I got to spend time with friends that I've known since I had a full set of baby teeth.  I got to reconnect with four years worth of co-workers at a bowling alley. I got to watch  the sun set over the Pacific Ocean from my hometown.  I got to relive childhood ecstasy at Disneyland.

But most importantly, I got to look people in the eyes and tell them that I love them. I got to reach out and hug people I cared about.  I got to feel the love and warmth surrounding me instead of reading about it through a computer.  And that is what made all the difference.  That is what makes a home a home.

What Does It Mean

I am a firm believer in the saying "everything happens for a reason"...

I truly think and feel that at the end of the day, every word we say, every action, and every feeling stems from some meaningful beginning. There is a reason the sky is blue. There is a reason girls like flowers. There's a reason chocolate makes you fat.

I think there is a reason that I found myself back in China. I believe there is a reason I chose to come to Nanjing over returning to Guiyang. I believe there is a reason I have put up with the struggle and fight and faced all the complications.

Have I faced all these struggles gracefully? Heavens no. I've complained and whined. I've shed a few (or maybe more than a few) tears. I've stomped my feet. I've been down right grumpy.

BUT

There is a reason its been so difficult.

I don't know what it is yet, but sooner or later I will learn. 

Maybe it will be one of those profound life lessons. Like you have to fight for what you want. Or maybe its not worth it if you didn't have to struggle. 

I'm ready to accept the fact that not everything goes perfectly or the way you want it to. Sometimes life just sucks and that's okay. At the end of the day, you just need to pick yourself back up, brush off your shoulders, and soldier on.

I don't know why I have faced so many problems in my first 2-3 weeks back in China.

But I do know that I love it here nonetheless. 
I do know that I am already building new friendships and relationships with students and teachers.
I'm discovering a new city and falling in love with a new China, different from before, but still just your typical China.

I don't know what it all means.

But I have the faith and trust to know that sometimes you have to let go of the control you so desperately want to cling to. Sometimes you just have to take that leap of faith and know that even if everything goes wrong, you'll be okay.

I'm also learning how to accept help. I don't always have to be my own super hero. Its okay to ask for help. It's okay to just accept it when others are so willing to give it.

I have such a wonderful support system: back home and here in China.

It's about time I learn to lean on others. 

Sooooo

Thank you.

You know who you are.

Thank you for being my rock. Thank you for being that guiding light. Thank you for taking the wheel when I can't seem to stay in the lane. Thank you for always making me smile, even when I seem completely inconsolable. Thank you for seeing past the facade and being there, even when I try my best to convince you I'm fine.






and on a side note....


I meant for this to be short and all, but in typical Ashley fashion I just kept going and going and going....



also,

in the very near future, I'll post about my time at home and the beginnings of Nanjing.

All in due time.

<3

Late is Better Than Never, Right?

Okay, so it has been what, one, two months...approximately, since I've written on my blog. You can chastise me all you want, but I have nothing to apologize for. I have been out and about living my life and making the most of this precious life. Now that I'm back in China and starting school, things are actually starting to slow down and I can reflect back on what exactly happened in the last two months. Will you get to hear every single story? No. But maybe now that I've done it all and seen it all and thought about it all....I don't know, maybe it will enhance my story telling capabilities.

So my last post was about Cambodia, specifically Phnom Pehn. I'm pretty sure I never wrote about Siem Reap because that's where my laptop charger exploded and I was suddenly slightly less connected with the world than before. What can I say about Siem Reap other than Angkor Wat is the most amazing place I have ever been. To have the opportunity to walk through hallways and passages and on walls that were built so long ago with such beauty was just an unbelievable experience. You get this feeling of pure awe at the intricate detail put into every single inch of the place. And yes I know the actual temple complex that is Angkor Wat is supposed to be the biggest and best, but I by far had a better time strolling around and through some of the older more obscure temples. I found that those were even more amazing to look at because most of them haven't been restored in any way (unlike Angkor Wat which has been restored/remodeled in some places). It was all amazing and cool and yeah. I don't know. I guess you can talk about it all you want but I don't think anyone can truly appreciate the epicness of Angkor Wat without going themselves.

Next stop on the whirlwind adventure of 5 Southeast Asia countries in 26 days was Thailand!!! Now I have wanted to go to Thailand forever; out of all the countries I visited this summer, Thailand is the only one that I thought I would ever actually go to.  Bangkok, in my honest opinion, is overrated and not what its cracked up to be.  But I absolutely fell in love with the people of Chiang Mai in the north of Thailand. Especially the two owners of our hostel, they were just so warm and welcoming. They made a point to make sure they introduced new comers to the hostel to whoever was around; they took us out to a free cabaret show; they went above and beyond to help when we needed it.

But talking about Chiang Mai would not be complete without a quick elephant blurb. Yes I rode an elephant like everyone who goes to Chiang Mai does. Yes, I tried to make sure it was a camp that treated their animals well. Yes, in typical Ashley fashion...I fell off my elephant. I maintain to this day that it wasn't my fault, it was the elephant's. I swear, he had it out for me. He was all like "eh uh. get off me girl" Of course right after the elephant blatantly embarrasses me in front of everyone, I have to hop right back on for a ride to the bathing hole where I precede to get in the mud pool with the elephant and bathe it. Best experience of my life? I'm not sure, but it is definitely in the top ten.

Moving down south, I mean, who doesn't love even just the idea of the beaches of Thailand?! Yes it was beautiful and amazing and relaxing and blah blah blah. Do I want to go back? Of course I do! Will I go to Krabi again? Maybe not. I do think it is highly underrated as a good place to go. Maybe the party scene isn't as good as it could be (especially compared to Koh Tai or Koh Lanta or any of the other millions of islands that are famous for their parties. But, anyone who knows me knows that crazy party scenes aren't really my scene. So I enjoyed myself and still got to see some of the coolest places (like Railay Beach!)

I feel for the most part I could skip Kuala Lumpur. I had been so excited to go there and see things. But in the end, it was more of a letdown. A lot of the city was under construction which made navigating the streets incredibly difficult. I often felt like I was forced to use a taxi because of the street confusion and then most of the taxi drivers were a rip off. The only cool thin was that I faced my fear of birds and went to the KL bird park. As much as I really dislike birds and they freak me out, it was pretty cool to be right up and in it all with the birds and so many of them were just so beautiful.

Finally I get to talk back the Philippines. My oh my was Boracay awesome. I mean, it was truly paradise. White sand beaches, palms trees, and a cool tropical breeze blowing. Sipping on cocktails while lounging in the low surf. I mean, I don't think I can paint the picture well with my words.  All I really have to say is close your eyes and think of one word: Paradise. Everyone has their own idea of what that is. Mine is Boracay. I'm sure many people picture a similar tropical paradise. I think it was the best possible place to spend my birthday.  I think I'm a pretty lucky girl.

I never thought I'd get to do the things I've done and see the places I've seen. Many people would call me lucky (heck, I just called myself lucky). But I constantly have to remind myself that I'm not lucky at all. I worked hard and carefully budgeted my money for a long time to be able to afford a trip like this. And when you aren't too picky, a trip like this doesn't have to be some huge expensive ordeal. You can stay in budget accommodations, eat like the locals do instead of eating Western food every night. Walk or discover the metro systems instead of taking taxis. I mean honestly, anyone can do it.  I mean, come on. If you really want something that badly, you can practice the self reserve and not go shopping every single day or eat out every other day or whatever it is you waste your money on. Just stop doing that and make a travel piggy bank.  You won't regret it.

Angkor Wat

Tomb Raider Temple

PETRONAS Towers in KL

Pretty Birdie

Boracay!

Sunset over White Beach

Found a starfish in Philippines :)

fabulous cabaret in Chiang Mai

Butterfly fly away

My new bestie.

we have a lot in common. we both love bananas

on our way to Railay Beach in Thailand

Thailand-tastic.

Surf. Sand. Sun. Love.