What Home Is.

I've now been back in China for 29 days. That may not sound like long, but a lot can happen in 29 days; that's also 3 days more than my time back home. But, if we're getting technical here, those 26 days were split up into a ton of different places: Vegas, San Diego, Arizona, Seal Beach.... So what exactly is home?  I mean, being in the US made me miss China. Being in Nanjing makes me miss Guiyang. Every single day I think about at least one thing that makes me miss the US. So where is home?

This is something I've been struggling with ever since I left my family behind at security at LAX.  Leaving for China was significantly harder this time around for several reasons, some of which I'm still discovering. Maybe that's why (actually that's exactly why) I've taken 29 days to write about my time at "home".  Thinking about and talking about things at home makes me sad. There is so much that I am missing out on: weddings, births, deaths, celebrations, birthdays, holidays...the list can continue forever. There are all the little things too: playing monopoly with friends, driving down PCH with the windows down and my music turned up, car bars, laughter, jokes, home cooked meals, walks along the beach, the release of all pain when someone you love and who loves you hugs you. These are all the things that make a home, mixed in all together, the good and the bad. That's why Seal Beach, San Diego, Vegas, Arizona, Guiyang, and now Nanjing are all home to me. That's why six places can hold a place in my heart and be part of who I am.

I'm not going to be a this cliché and say "home is not a place, its a feeling" because I don't think I fully believe that. Home is a place that makes us feel, gives us those feelings.  Home is where we feel welcome, safe, and loved.  Home is where we may feel alone, sad, and scared. It is a place where memories live forever, memories brought back through smells, sounds, and sights.  You can never really leave home or runaway because it follows you everywhere you go.  So I guess I wasted 29 days worrying about what would happen when I thought about and consequently wrote about home.

So what did I do during my 26 whirlwind days stateside?  I lived. I drove my car, fought with my family, shared secrets with my friends, stayed up too late, cried happy tears and sad.  I went to doctors appointments, ran errands, did laundry.  I did what I've always done but everything felt different. Maybe the real reason I've avoided talking about home is because at least at first, going home didn't feel right.  Now that I've finally admitted that, I can actually explain myself. Living in China changed me.  The people I met (Chinese, travelers, fellow teachers) changed me. My perspective shifted and I grew up a little bit. I saw the world and held it in the palm of my hands.  Going back to your own world after life-altering experiences changes your old world and I don't think I was expecting to feel so out of place when I returned. Home was the same and different in so many ways. The pace of life was faster, I was connected to the entire world everywhere I went thanks to my fully functioning iPhone. I could suddenly drink tap water, read signs, and be understood every time I ordered food, asked for directions, or talked to a stranger.  These are all things that I've basically lived with for 22 years and I had to readjust to live that way again. So coming home was also somewhat of a re-self-discovery.

But what I really should be getting to are the many adventures I had while home.  I managed to squeeze in three Angels games and one Galaxy game.  At my first Angels game, I was surprised with a "welcome home Ashley" sign on the jumbo tron (not a proposal, but close enough so I can mark that off the bucket list) and I was surrounded by family and friends.  I got to support my teams and I had a blast being crazy and just being me.  And I don't think anyone would disagree when I say a live game is incomparable to watching animated play-by-plays online. 

I also went to Vegas to visit family. Its hard when you see the people you care for so infrequently, but reconnecting and spending those 4 short days together was amazing. And I am proud to say that in those four days of gambling, I broke completely even.  Didn't lose or win a cent.  I guess you can call me a safe bet.  

I made the voyage down to San Diego which was probably the most bittersweet part of this journey.  My time there was so short and I didn't get to see everyone or eat all my favorite foods.  But, I am beyond grateful for the friends I did get to see.  Saying goodbye to them was difficult, but I have to believe that life will bring us together again.  And if it doesn't, well at least we'll always have the memories. My 4+ years in SD were some of the best in my life and I'm lucky to have been able to call it home. 

Another bucket list item can be checked off because after San Diego, I went to Arizona and finally saw the Grand Canyon.  It is just as magnificent and unbelievable as I always imagined.  I also spent a few days in Scottsdale where I finally got some time to relax and reconnect with old "family".  I had a blast.

Now if I were to break down the 26 days, I ended spending more time away from home (Seal Beach) then at it.  But I wouldn't change a thing. Thought at times it was hectic, crazy, and stressful, it was beautiful all the same.  I got to eat some of the most delicious food: tri tip, tacos, chicken and dumplings, el Burrito, Bubba's pulled pork, BBQ chicken, mac n cheese, omelets..... all these things that I love that bring back cherished memories.  I got to spend time with friends that I've known since I had a full set of baby teeth.  I got to reconnect with four years worth of co-workers at a bowling alley. I got to watch  the sun set over the Pacific Ocean from my hometown.  I got to relive childhood ecstasy at Disneyland.

But most importantly, I got to look people in the eyes and tell them that I love them. I got to reach out and hug people I cared about.  I got to feel the love and warmth surrounding me instead of reading about it through a computer.  And that is what made all the difference.  That is what makes a home a home.