The Struggle, It Really Is Real

So, as you can see, it has been an eternity since I've written much of anything, especially since I've written something I feel brave enough to share with the world. But, in the new year, I made one simple resolution: Be Happy. And, in order to meet that resolution, the first thing I need to do is be honest and admit that lately, I haven't been all that happy.

Now, I can point my fingers left, right, up and down...every which way and find a thing or person to blame for my unhappiness. But finding the cause of a problem is not always the way to find the solution. And I've found, pointing the finger has pretty much only caused more problems in my life and set me even further away from a solution. So, in order to find this elusive thing called happiness...I guess I'm accomplishing what I believe to be the first step in admitting I need to find it once more. I recently heard  someone say that people my age are often quoted as saying, "I just need to find myself". And then it was pointed out, if you need to find yourself, that means at some point or another, you lost yourself. Some of you will probably sit there and say "well duh" but guess what? That's something I never thought of before.

I've spent the last two years of my life in China....trying to find myself, without ever truly realizing I was lost until very recently. When I realized that China is not some fairytale land, that problems still exist there, that the struggle people talk of is in fact real and present. Life in China has never been easy, but it has never been impossible either. I walked (quite literally, across the Hong Kong/China border) with my arms, heart, mind wide open (thankfully not literally). And my experience there has been incredibly wonderful because of that open mindset. My willingness to except the absurd, difficult, and just different ways of life. I haven't regretted a single day in China. But, I know I always project this image (as I already sort of mentioned) that China has been some fairytale. Well, news flash, it isn't.

I get lonely.

I get frustrated.

At times, I wonder what the heck I'm doing there.

And I find myself continuously trying to justify the reason I'm there. I'm always looking for some greater purpose in my life, because finding that greater purpose makes me feel like I'm there for a reason. And lately, I've lost sight of that purpose. I've let the loneliness and frustrations take control of my life. I've let my own personal little demons infect every part of my soul. And lately, those demons have taken the form of leeches that suck out happiness instead of blood. I've let so much "stuff" get in the way of my life. I've allowed the silent whispers to dictate my life.

Now, maybe you're wondering...how does this have anything to do with "the many adventures of Ashley Rae". Well, let me tell you, not all adventures involve train rides, parks, and experiences. Some adventures take the form of emotional roller coasters. And the emotional roller coaster I've been on is  a real doozy. And this dark patch in my life is all part of the adventure. It is sort of like the concept of yin and yang. I can't fully understand happiness if I haven't felt pain and sadness. And the trials I've faced, have left imprints on my life. They have made me who I am. So they are part of the adventure of my life.

So, what am I trying to say here? Well, I'm not really certain. But I will say this: Don't ever give up. I know it sounds cliche. But, it really is true. You can never give up. Because there is a reason and purpose to this life. Maybe I've felt lost lately. I've felt like I need to find myself. I've felt like there is no point to anything. BUT THERE IS. There is a point to continue fighting. There is a point to waiting and being patient. Life doesn't always happen the way we want and plan for it to happen. And you might think that should bring us unhappiness. But, happiness comes in all shapes and sizes. And sometimes it comes in forms that we least expect. Sometimes happiness comes in the small surprises life throws at us.

I am not the master planner of my life. God is. He knows the answers. He knows the time frame. He knows what is good for me, what is bad for me, what I need right now, and what I won't need until later. Now, I can choose all I want to complain and be bitter and angry about that. Or I can embrace it. I can choose to accept what I don't know. Because happiness is a choice. Happiness is not a right I'm guaranteed. Sure, the Declaration of Independence may say differently, that happiness is a right. But it isn't. Happiness is a choice. So, if I want my resolution to become true, I have a choice to make.
And I choose forgiveness.
I choose openness.
 I choose love.
I choose honesty.
I choose hope.
I choose to abandon my fears.
I choose trust.
I choose to dance.
I choose to live.
I choose to sing.
I choose laughter.
I choose happiness.

Is it really that simple? No. Choosing happiness doesn't always come easily. But I'm ready to put up a fight. There are times when I feel like happiness is impossible to find. And maybe I can't always see it. But it's there. Happiness is like the wind. We can't always see it, we can't always feel it. But, its there. When we can't find it, we can create it by waving a piece of paper. When we don't see it directly, we can look to the rustling of the leaves in a tree. But the first step to finding that happiness is admitting you need it (which is admitting you don't already have it).

So there it is.