It has been a little more than I year since I've written in my blog. I think that's partially because I lost my voice. Also, I wasn't sure I had something worth saying. Sometimes I wonder if people think my life in China is some grand adventure and that new and crazy and exciting things happen every day. Quite the contrary. I wake up. I brush my teeth. I go to work. I teach every day. Some days are good, some days are not so good. Sure, I live in China. So do 1.3 billion other people. Maybe my life isn't as grand as it once seemed when this whole China thing was new. But, I realize that even if my life isn't "exciting" I still have a voice and I still have things to say.
A while back, my blog transformed from being solely about my time in China to being about all of my adventures. That included traveling through Asia, visiting home, and all kinds of random things I wanted to talk about. And if anyone who reads this actually knows me personally...you know I am a talker. A rambler. An endless supply of words.... most of the time. Now, my blog is more of...well, me. I find that I need an outlet. I need a place where I can say who I am, be who I am, and not be afraid of what people might think about what I have to say.
So often, we portray our lives a certain way in the public light. We do everything from altering pictures to quoting things just because it makes us look or sound cool. Everyone knows what pose or body placement creates the "best image" or what filter works the best for them. Well, I'm kind of tired of living my life through filters. I'm tired of worrying about how what I say or believe might change people's opinions of me. There are so many parts of me that I don't share with others because I've been so consumed with what other's think of me.
How stupid is that?
Now, I'm not trying to say that wanting a good self image or trying to have people see the best you is bad. But, when you don't feel comfortable in your own skin and you fear people knowing the "real" you...that's not so good either.
So this is me.
I'm a daughter. A sister. A teacher. A friend.
I believe in laughter and love and the power of quality time.
I'm a coffee junkie, a listener of music, and I always have my nose in a book.
But my most important identifier?
I'm a Christian. A daughter of God. A believer in Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.
Now, why is that sometimes so hard to say? As if it is a confession or something I have to admit. Being a Christian is not something I'm ashamed of, but in the past, it was generally something I kept kind of quiet except for around family, friends, and fellow Christians. Not because I feared questions or persecution or judgment from others. I kept it to myself because I believed that my Christianity was only about my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. And, while that is true and important...being a Christian is about so much more.
Being a Christian is about knowing how to forgive. How to forgive yourself. How to forgive others.
Being a Christian is about love. Loving God. Loving all of His children. Loving yourself.
Being a Christian is about reading the Bible and having constant communication through prayer.
Being a Christian is about service, helping others, making a difference, and bringing change to the world.
Being a Christian is about so many things. And it makes me so sad to know that there are people out there who think that Christianity is judging others or expecting them to conform to one uniform ideal or hating someone who isn't like you. That's not what being a Christian is, and it isn't the kind of Christian I want to be. I have certain beliefs that may be different from yours. They may contradict what others believe. But that doesn't mean I judge or hate those different beliefs. I've been a Christian for most of my life and I know there are still many ways for me to learn and grow in my faith. I have struggles sometimes. I don't know everything. I don't have the Bible memorized.
But to me, being a Christian is about trying to be a better person every single day. It's about growing in my relationship with God every single day. It's about working towards becoming my best self every single day. And I'll be the first to admit that none of those things happen every single day. I'm a human. I stumble and fall. But, by the grace of God, I'm able to stand up the next day and say "it's okay. Today I'm gonna try again"
Okay....so to be honest...This post wasn't supposed to go in this direction. But obviously it was something that was on my heart.
I usually go a long time between writing...but each time I write I realize how incredibly great it makes me feel. Writing has always been so cathartic and soothing and just allows me to actually figure out what I'm feeling. So, it's my goal to not forget that this time. Hopefully, I start writing more regularly (here and in my journal...and no you don't get to see that). Life is hard and crazy and difficult and everyone needs to find their own way to cope and deal. Maybe this will be my way. I'm not looking for sympathy or high fives or compliments or comments. I'm just looking for a way to release that heavy sigh at the end of the day. Who knows if it will continue. But I hope it does.
Before saying good night, I want to give some major shout outs to the people who have helped me so much lately. And so often we say "you know who you are" but you know what I think...I think its nice to give a little credit where its due every once in a while... so...
Madi-- thanks for being there for me. thanks for always listening. thanks for the great hugs.
Betsabe, Daughter of Eve-- thank you for making me laugh. thank you for being a great hand holder. thank you being a great friend.
Kirsten-- thanks for the 20 years of friendship. thanks for having my back through thick and thin. thanks for understanding me.
Sarah-- thanks for your love and support regardless of distance, time, or circumstance.
Brad-- thanks for helping me be a better person every day, and not giving up on me when I stumble.
Matthew-- thanks for reaching out and being a wonderful little brother and for the phone call.
Evan-- you're never going to see this, but thank you for always sending a wechat hug at the perfect time.
Clara-- I never expected to come to China and get a best friend from Germany. You are so special and so amazing and so thoughtful. Thank you for always reaching out at the perfect time.
Mom-- thanks for being understanding of my needs, even when they go against your very nature.
Grandma-- thanks for being the best example a girl could ask for. I hope one day I can be half the woman you are. You inspire me every day.
Dad-- thank you for literally...everything. you have always been my #1 fan. you've supported me, loved me, sacrificed everything.
I'm so grateful for so many people and so lucky to have such an amazing team on my side. There are so many other people I could thank and dish out compliments to...but to be honest I'm exhausted (and its only 10pm)
So, there you have it. My name is Ashley. This is who I am. You can take it or leave it, but I gotta say, I'm pretty happy being me.
PS...coming soon to a blog near you...
1) my trip to Indonesia!!
2) my trip to Harbin!!
3) my trip to Malaysia!!
4) life in Nanjing!!
5) life as a teacher!!
6) the crazy things that happen during an American baking class with 22 Chinese teenagers!!
7) laughter, love, and probably a few tears
until then,
xxoo
Ashley
(I just realized I closed that off like a letter or email after I wrote a PS...I'm weird)
(I also realize that realizing that means I should change it...but I'm not gonna)
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